A Closet Vaper?

Here goes,  I have decided to quit smoking...again.   I have tried countless times through my 30+ years of smoking.   Some of my attempts have even been kind of successful.  I have quit cold turkey and remained smoke free for several years.  I have used the nicotine patches, gum, and lozenges with some success, perhaps quitting for a week or two.  But in the end I always go back to the cigarettes.  A weak moment, a stressful life situation, something always takes me back.  I think the truth is that I feel deprived without my smokies.

Why try again?  Well- the truth is, even though I love to smoke, I hate having to hide it.  And hide it I do.  Smoking has never been part of my "image".  I am into exercise.  Yes- it's true!  I love yoga, kettlebells, and Crossfit.  Hard to believe?  I suppose we all have aspects of our lives that are somewhat of a contradiction.

In my case it just happens to be blatantly contradictory.  I once ran a marathon and smoked a cigarette as soon as I could get back to my car (so no one would see me).  Oh and that was a great cigarette!  I actually used the thought of getting to smoke at the end to motivate me to keep going those last few miles. I have smoked in the car on the way to yoga classes or CrossFit classes - using gum and purell to do my best to get rid of the smoke smell.  And after the class I smoke in the car on my way back home!

That makes me a closet smoker.  Oh yes, my family and closest friends know my dirty secret.  But my acquaintances would likely be surprised if not shocked!  I lie to dentists and doctors - "No, I don't smoke.  I used to but I gave it up a few years ago.  I still use nicotine replacement therapy " (in case I have some test that reveals the nicotine in my system).   I deceive my landlords.  I hide my addiction from work colleagues... and the list goes on.

Why do I do it?  The answer is simple.  I love to smoke.  There is something wonderful about it.  It is relaxing and contemplative.  This quote by Ann Rand describes it perfectly:

“I like to think of fire held in a man's hand. Fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips. I often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone, watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking. I wonder what great things have come from such hours. When a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his mind--and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette as his one expression.”

I think many smokers are probably like me.  They smoke in private.  Smoking has become such taboo.    We are banned from respectful society, forced out into the cold and rain, 25 feet from public buildings to enjoy our addiction.  In order to avoid judgement and criticism we become closet smokers, hiding our dirty little secret. Oh, we do smoke in public- just not when there are people we might know around! It's embarrassing to get caught.

Why do I want to quit?  I think it's tough to live the double life for one reason.  Also, I do understand the health risks and realize that I consciously allow myself to be in complete denial in order to continue smoking.  So here I go again... another attempt to rid myself of the monkey on my back.

This time I'm not going to follow any of the mainstream advice on how to quit.  No cold turkey (I have already read "How to Quit Smoking the Easy Way"), no nicorette patch, gum, or lozenge, no wellbutrin. I'm going to vape!  "Vaping" is the term used to describe smoking an electronic cigarette; since there's no smoke, only vapor, you're not smoking, you're vaping!

And yes, I will be a closet vaper.   How else will I explain my new habit to my non-smoking friends and collegues?